Being ok with being a “failure”
This is entirely a personal blog and not really about photography, so if that is why you’re here you might be disappointed. This year most of you know that I left my stable job at a school district for multiple reasons. First off, my children are both young and not in school yet. Daycare costs have been stressful for us, and now having two kids in daycare felt so pointless for us. Second, I had been feeling a pull out of education for a while. I think the entire system needs a lot of work and help and I felt like I was doing a disservice to a lot of kids and it would tear my heart up on a daily basis seeing the gap between where kids were and where they are “supposed” to be. Let alone the CONSTANT push to get kids “back on track” was draining. Then to add onto that coming home to my own little kids who needed my full attention was so challenging. Teachers and educators deserve more. (LOVE you, teachers!)
I have to put this in because it’s funny and wild. The day I was considering leaving my job I was so confused and just decided to ask for a sign from the Universe. I was scared to quit my job, but it was on my heart. It was the 100th day of school and I always get dressed up as a 100 year old woman. And I am DAMN convincing too. So I had just gotten to school and I’m playing the old lady get-up and all of the sudden there is a school-wide evacuation due to a gas leak. Everyone around was yelling “we have to evacutate!” over and over again. If that’s not a sign, I don’t know what is. So I was literally running down the street as a 100 year old woman helping the kids get to the evacuation site. The police officers did not know what to make of me and it was hilarious….I digress…
So I decided, hey why don’t I just try and do photography “full-time” , but keep in mind I have my small children all day, too. And I was so blessed to be able to have a nanny for a couple days a week so I could work on my photography business. My nanny is leaving today and moving back home so I will now be with my kids all day every day. I have had a hard time with this transition. I want to be honest, it doesn’t come naturally to me to love being with my kids all the time. I admire so much about the moms that love it and I strive every day to shift my mindset because holy cow am I so so lucky.
When I quit my job I had this idea of how it would go. And honestly that idea was smooth sailing. Maybe a couple turns and challenges, but nothing like what I experienced. I was rocked to my core. Nothing I tried to do seemed to work out. I felt like I was on a treadmill getting nowhere, but sprinting so hard. I had to really tune into myself and let go of control. I found so much relief in finding a church that helped me realize that there’s more that we don’t see, And that there are no guarantees in life. If you are a “good person” or try really hard at something, that doesn’t necessarily mean that it will all work out for you. But also to know that everything is working out for my good.
Don’t get the feeling from reading this that I am “fixed” or have it all figured out because I definitely don’t. And I am always learning and changing and still sometimes feel like I am on the doom treadmill. I have had a very fluid spiritual life since I was a kid, but recently I have felt much more relieved because I don’t have to figure it all out alone. I can rest knowing that there are so many forces at play that I can’t see that want the best for me and for humanity. I wanted to share this for anyone that is going through something similar. You’re not alone. I also share this because social media can be so deceiving and make it seem like everyone has it all figured out. Nobody does.
I have absolutely grown my business, but my expectation did not meet reality. God has pulled so many miracles in the last 10 months to allow me to stay with my kids and every time it happens I am in awe and so grateful. This article feels like a jumbled mess, but I just felt the urge to share if anyone else might be feeling inadequate due to the highlight features of the screens we carry around. Also, I absolutely don’t want this to feel like I am pushing my beliefs on you because I love you no matter what you believe.
So if you are feeling like you’re on the treadmill of life sprinting and getting nowhere, I feel you. This is all a season and it won’t last forever. Sending you all the love.
